Horoscope, Free of Charge!
by Ren.Long
Summary: Chloe tries to play a trick on Remy's ex, Jonathan, but through a terrible mix up, Dexter pays the price instead. RxR
1. Trouble Broiling

**Disclaimer: I guess this is where I'm supposed to write how I don't own This Lullaby and then insert something funny, but I can't think of anything, so please just think of your own punch line.**

Chapter One: Trouble Broiling

I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOT INTO HER, BUT AS SOON AS WE'D ENTERED THE GAS station's mini mart Chloe's eyes turned ravenous. It was the beginning of November and Chloe and I just gotten off for Thanksgiving break earlier than Jess and Lissa. We both of us returned to our hometown, Lakeview, and stuck close waiting until Lissa's and Jess's vacation started too. I tried to ignore her, buying my zip coke, but her glare never faltered and all her anger seemed centered at whatever she was looking at.

"What is it?" I asked her.

She clenched her teeth and her nostrils flared. "The pig," she spit the words out spitefully. I looked where she was staring and saw what she saw. Next to the soda fountain was a young couple. It was Jonathan and a girl I couldn't recognize, but not the girl he'd cheated on me for. This girl was barely fifteen and had red curly hair and a skirt that was more similar to a belt.

I pursed my lips at the sight. Not that I was jealous, I was more than happy in a _faithful _relationship with Dexter. Jonathan just made me sick.

Chloe looked away and smashed her candy bar on the counter. The overweight bushy browed cashier was startled by our hostility. "Last week I saw him at Bendo with a different girl." She growled and picked a handful of change from her pocket slamming the fist full of coins next to her candy bar not bothering to count. I forced myself to look away and laid out my five-dollar bill on the counter. I could hear the two laughing from the front.

We left, to the relief of the cashier, and didn't mention Jonathan for the rest of the night. Chloe remained obviously spiteful from the scene of the two, but half way during our drive I saw the most fearful grin creep onto her face. I didn't even want to know what she was thinking then.

I woke up earlier than everyone else from the Truth Squad that morning. Monkey was the only companion of mine while I popped in two slices of bread into the toaster. After several trials, my only outcome was a pile of inedible charcoal toast. It was too late when I checked the dial learning I'd set the dial incorrectly. I settled on a couple of tangerines instead.

John Miller woke up next still a bit queasy from Dexter's last bet trying to get him to down a tub of mayo in less time than he had (20 minutes). John Miller won, but at a price. "Feeling better?" I looked up from my tangerine and it was obvious he wasn't, more so stupid, really, for even asking.

"No." He stared at the stack of burnt toast and it looked like he was going to ask about them, but gave up on the idea. He stole a tangerine from me and nimbly peeled the skins off. "Any plans?"

I pushed my hair back. I hadn't brushed my hair this morning yet and strands kept creeping to the sides of my lips to my great annoyance. "Not really, you?"

"I saw Scarlett at the mall yesterday," I wasn't the only one spotting exes, "and thought about giving her a second chance, but she totally dissed me when I came up to her."

"Mmm…" I threw the peels away and left the kitchen to brush my hair.

The whole morning Dexter and I did nothing. I was only staying here for a few weeks and he had today off from the same photo place he still worked at from when we'd first met. We went out to The World of Waffles for lunch.

A lanky waiter came and took our order. Dexter stood up and left for the restroom leaving me alone in the bacon scented building. He soon came back with a huge grin on his face as his fingers fumbled to get his phone into his pocket smoothly. "I'm the lucky winner today." He announced sitting down across from me.

The waiter returned with a water and zip coke. "What'd you win?" I rested my chin on my palm curious for Dexter's tale.

Dexter pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and opened a text message. He displayed the screen easily in front of my so I could read the message myself. "What—'Congrats lucky winner! You've won a month of free horoscope readings. All you need to do is send in your birthday and relationship status and your first reading will arrive tomorrow.'" Dexter's huge grin hadn't faltered at all. "They spelled tomorrow wrong." I pointed out.

He flipped the phone shut. "Does it matter?"

My eyes were dull not believing what he was doing. "You're not serious about this are you?"

"By the end of this month I'll be the most successful man without a worry because I've got my future already written out all for free."

"Did you send your—

"Yup, we won't have to worry about a thing this month. All we've got to do is to listen to the stars."

"Oh God."

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	2. The First

Chapter Two: Beginning

Chapter Two: The First

HOW I WAS DREADING THE FIRST ONE. JOHN MILLER TOLD ME TO CHILL AND FOR a while I did feeling nothing big could happen from a simple text everyday. When Ted heard he called Dexter a lunatic and I didn't object. Every time Dexter's phone buzzed he jumped out of his seat to check for any new texts from this new horoscope scam.

The first one came a little after lunch.

"Remy!" Dexter called me from the bathroom. "Do you have a skirt I could borrow?"

I was terrified.

"No." I called through the door.

"Yeah, you do." Paul caught my lie. "You wore one yesterday."

"It wouldn't fit him." I countered. I crossed my arms and Paul left smirking.

Dexter sighed and came out of the restroom. "I guess I have to buy one then." He buttoned his pants and headed outside. I followed behind.

"You know you don't have to do whatever these say? They aren't real."

He gasped in horror shock. "They are! Want to hear the one I got today?" He pulled his phone out and quoted his message before I could object. "'Sex discrimination is so old. Go out there (in a skirt) and show the world we're all equal.' It talks about real issues."

"Dexter, do you know what sex discrimination is?"

"It's a real issue and I'm going to help the world and bring it to knowledge."

"In a skirt."

He sighed. "That's the only way, but have faith! The stars know the best."

I really couldn't believe what he was going to do. John Miller told me if we let him suffer the embarrassment and consequences the faster he'd stop listening to the messages. I drove him to the mall and we went skirt shopping, the last thing I ever expected to do with my boyfriend.

He picked the first and cheapest one he saw and went straight for the cashier. I was hesitant asking, but if he didn't we'd have to come back again. "…Shouldn't you try it on?"

He looked nervous, took a big gulp, and went in search for a fitting room. "Um, Remy should I try this on in these fitting rooms or go back to the men's department?" He stood in the doorway of the fitting room of the women's department. There was no of men or women.

Women poured out of the doorway and we moved aside. "Men's probably."

We walked to the other side of the store. "If anyone asks, this is your skirt I'm holding for you." He whispered.

I took this chance to try to convince him out of the skirt. "No. It's your horoscope. If I did, it'd probably mess up the 'stars' or something." Just like I couldn't understand how this man could down a tub of mayo is one sitting and not stand an English muffin, I was perplexed how he would willingly wear a skirt, but feel ashamed just carrying one.

He went in and I waited outside. He came out carrying it in one hand. I took it and hooked it back to its hanger. "It fits."

I grimaced at the skirt. It was already embarrassing he was going to wear a skirt, but was he conscious of the color or length? "Dexter, you could get a longer skirt and maybe a different color."

"Oh." He finally looked at what he was holding and reality hit him. Hard. But not hard enough.

I went ahead and checked the size of the current skirt I was holding and searched through racks. I picked out a black ankle length skirt. "Thanks honey." He gave me a slobbery kiss on the cheek and we checked out.

When we left the store we stopped at the first public restroom we found. Dexter became more nervous of the situation but was determined to follow the God forsaken 'stars'. Dexter came out, tall and lean and in a skirt.

"Remy, is it supposed to fell this breezy?"

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**Suggestions and ideas are **_**always **_**appreciated.**


	3. An Elevator Ride

Chapter Three: What Not To Do in an ElevatorChapter Three: What Not To Do in an Elevator

**Really, you could try all this because it **_**definitely**_** would be amusing, but it's suggested not to.**

**I got this all from this funny clip. You can check it out on my profile.**

"TED!" I YELLED. "TED!"

He didn't respond. It was the sixth time this week we'd gone through this. "Ted!" I marched down the stairs to find him in the living room with my pantyhose. "Are you deaf or something?"

"No." I answered flatly. He held his hand out with the pantyhose and I snatched it out of his grip. "Monkey needs something to chew on."

"Then buy him a bone." I growled. Monkey bit several holes through this pair too. I would have to go shopping for some later.

"Yeah." Ted scratched his head. "I know. I just keep forgetting."

"Well then remember of buy him one or give him one your things to chew on." Monkey was on the couch looking at us wondering what we were arguing about. He looked sad I took away his 'chew toy.'

"Like what? Anyway, these things are fine to use. They're not too hard too hard to chew and not that expensive either, right?"

I walked to the kitchen and tossed the tan pantyhose in the trashcan. They were no longer wearable like all other Ted had sacrificed to Monkey.

I went into the bathroom to finish changing into skinny jeans and a modest T-shirt. Then I heard Dexter yell. "Are you okay?" I hollered from the restroom.

"Remy, c'mon. We're going to visit the Hilton hotel!"

I'll admit the Truth Squad was becoming more successful, but not enough to afford a night at the Hilton without some damage done to funds. I was curious what he was going to do there. "Sure." I agreed hesitantly and left the house by his side. Today, he wasn't wearing anything too wacky or out of it. Pretty normal really, so I was sure we were going to be free of the horoscope until his phone would ring.

"Which way?" I asked as I pulled out of the driveway. Dexter rode shotgun and pointed out all the roads to turn. The Hilton wasn't too far and we arrived in less than thirty minutes. We saw the broad red sign when we reached close by.

Dexter slammed the door behind him. "What do you need here?" I locked the car and eyed him going to the entrance.

"I am going to get my good fortune!" He grabbed out his cell phone to emphasize the moment. Not only was this horoscope turning him crazy, be corny too.

"How this time?" I couldn't sound as angry as last time hearing his silly foolish line that seemed to make me laugh every time spoken.

"I am going to bring excitement into the world!" He shot his fist in the air. The doorman opened the door with a raised eyebrow.

"I thought the skirt would be enough excitement." I mumbled.

We passed the registration desk and he pushed the button calling for the elevator. I didn't know if I wanted to stand to close to him, but with a safe distance behind him I was prepared to watch his next act with crossed arms.

A bald businessman cut us to the elevator and we followed him behind. "Greetings." Dexter held his hand out to the man he hesitantly shook his hand. "Call me admiral."

Admiral?

The man was just as confused as me. "Admiral?"

The elevator stopped on floor three. "Ding!" It was Dexter at my side. I elbowed him in the ribs and another elderly woman joined us.

"Hello," He greeted the woman just the same. "Call me admiral."

Everyone was confused, all standing as far away as possible. The elevator stopped at the fifth floor. "Ding!"

Dexter cut in front of the man to examine the buttons. "I wonder what all these do…"

He pressed all.

"Dexter." I moaned. The other passengers were just as annoyed.

Sixth floor. "Ding!"

Seventh floor. "Ding!"

Eighth floor. "Ding!"

Ninth floor. "Di—

"Shut up!" The businessman shouted to everyone's shock. The feeble old woman huddled in her corner.

Dexter bent down and traced a square with his finger. "This is my personal space! Don't come near!" He whined. Baldie shook his head. "Ding!"

Eleventh floor. "Ding!"

Twelfth floor. "Ding!"

"Can you please shut up?" The man roared under his breath.

"I think you didn't get to watch Barney this morning!"

"Yes I did!"

"You know, I feel all dispatched from everyone! We need a group hug!"

I cocked an eyebrow and warned him. "Dexter. Don't."

"You too Remy!" We all came together in an awkward circle. "There! Now we all feel loved! Ding!" The man and woman got off immediately.

"Dex—

Another man with flamboyant brown hair came in. Dexter only grinned in the corner as the man gave him a strange look. Dexter couldn't get that stupid look off his face.

"Dude." The man looked at all the pressed buttons. Dexter was still grinning. "Um, what's he so happy about?" He asked me.

"I don't know who you're talking about."

"I have new socks on!"

We both looked at Dexter now bouncing in his 'personal space square' of the excitement of his new socks. "Hey, dude, can you stop jumping? You're moving the elevator."

"But my new socks!"

"Dude!"

"_Dude_ you, you milk dud! Ding!"

We all got off at the next stop. The man walked off muttering unintelligible profanities. "Dexter." I waited for an explanation holding his wrists from calling another elevator.

"Yeah, hon?"

"What do you think you're doing?" I violently wrung his wrists. People passing by shot us glances.

"Today, Guru—

"Guru?"

"Guru. He said, that the world is turning too advanced and forgetting all the little joys, so to bring me and the world happiness, I should bother people on an elevator."

"And why did _Guru_ choose an elevator?"

"Well, duh! I mean, elevators are where you find the flattest people besides cubicles!" I let go of his wrist and called a down elevator.

"Okay, you've finished today's mission. Let's go home." I leaned in and gave him a peck on the side of his lips.

The elevator came without much wait and I pressed the one button. If we were lucky no one else would have to come on the elevator too, motivating Dexter to see all the 'little joys.' We weren't ever famous for being lucky. A middle-aged woman entered with two young boys.

"Don't." I whispered in his ear.

"I have to." He whispered back and tapped the woman on the shoulder. "Hello. I'm Dexter. You can call me admiral." The boys eagerly took his hand and shook him ardently.

"May I press your floor for you?" Dexter begged the mother. She gave him an estranged look, but her motherly side gave in.

"Sure. Four."

Dexter pressed six. "Oh darn, missed."

"That's okay." The woman forgave him.

Dexter pressed nine. "Darn it. Let me try again."

The woman nodded, her neck tight with impatience.

Dexter pressed twelve. "Dang. Maybe one of your sons should press instead." And before he received approval he brought one of the boys and held his hand hitting all the buttons, but four.

"Your son isn't that good at button pressing either." The woman snatched her child back.

"Ding!"

Floor ten. "Ding!"

Floor nine. "Ding!"

Floor eight. "Ding!" The boys had joined in too.

Floor seven. The woman took her boys left. "Ding!"

Floor six. "Ding!" I got off.

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